Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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