I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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