You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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