My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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