Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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