so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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