Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Randomize
