Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
