remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
