I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize