I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
