I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize