wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize