Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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