Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
