i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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