i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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