I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize