I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
