Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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