So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
