Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
