um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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