Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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