community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
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