Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
