Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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