She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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