If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
