I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize