she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
