I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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