So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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