Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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