While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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