I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
