Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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