Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
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