Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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