Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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