I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
