literally had 100 drinks last night.
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
