well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
