I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
