as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
