So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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