The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
