First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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