I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
