I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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