I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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