Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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