dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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