I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
