Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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