New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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