Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize