This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
