if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
